Posts tagged ‘Love’

January 29, 2012

Unrequited Thingy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I discovered my sexual category last evening while watching TV. You will no doubt have heard the terms heterosexual and homosexual – I am a Retrosexual.

Apparently this is someone who has had sex but it was so damn long ago that they can’t remember how it went. It fits perfectly and I have had trouble with this condition for years.

I have been thinking about sex a lot lately as there seems to be an awful lot of it about, with all age groups, everybody is at it – except for me. You would think, wouldn’t you, that with so much of it about someone could shove a bit my way – I need to get my share soon before something bursts!

It’s not as if I haven’t tried, I even thought of turning gay. Trouble with that, is that every gay I have seen, usually on TV or movies is young, rich and good looking…

I am not rich or good looking and as for young, well…  The only thing that I might be able to do something about is the rich bit. I thought of a bank loan – – – all I have to do is work out how I am going to explain it to the bank…

All my troubles would end, of course, if the blonde with the legs would stop playing hard to get. I have heard, via my personal grapevine, that with the slightly better weather we have had over the last couple of days, she has taken to walking her dog in the local fields and woods.

Now, the last time she did this was when she first got the dog, a poodle, and I came up with a cunning plan. I watched her for a couple of days then decided that it was an opportunity too good to miss, so, I would take to walking my dog – at the same time in the same fields.

I had a plan, what I didn’t have was a dog!

I had no intention of buying one so the only alternative was to borrow one. The only person who was evil enough to help me with this was a guy called Ron who has a dirty disgusting, flea-bitten, mangy old mongrel called ‘Jip’.

I obtained the dog and took it home in a trailer, as I had no intention of allowing it in the car. This horrible slobbering lump of useless canine carcass is fed on untreated, green tripe and the rest is up to your imagination.

We set off on a beautiful, Autumn Sunday morning on a walk across the fields that was calculated to take me to exactly the right spot, at the right time, where I would bump into her in a copse where a wild rose grows.

I had been practicing for hours in front of the mirror the night before, so, that morning, when my moment came, and we finally met in that copse by the wild rose – I was word and pose perfect.

The copse was dappled with golden sunlight, the rose looked and smelled divine, she was flushed, flustered and beautiful – everything was going as planned.

I started in on the smooth talk while admiring the poodle – in case the flamin’ mongrel decided to shame me by making a play for it. It didn’t – oh, no, nothing that simple!

While I was admiring the poodle and smooth talking the blonde, the stupid-born, mangy, bloody mongrel mounted me leg…

Sometimes I think I should just end it all.  David

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January 20, 2012

The Blonde with the legs has deserted me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I might as well begin this blog as I mean to go on, detailing my love life – err lack of it – as it lurches from disaster to abject failure and back again. Four years I have devoted to the pursuit of one woman and neither of us is getting any younger. At the moment, well…

I am having a really bad time. I have been driving my daughter around the country in her quest for a job and in the past couple of weeks the ’miles travelled score’ is well into four figures. I get up, have a shower and start driving, I go to bed driving – two o’clock this morning I carried out an emergency braking manoeuvre and fell out of bed.

I have cats in the garden, blue-tits in the wall, mice in the shed and my son has fleas – everything is going wrong. The bread has gone mouldy, milk’s off, we’ve run out of sugar and tea and I had to have sausages for my breakfast, I am going to bed with heartburn.

Which brings me to the blonde-with-the-legs who is being even less co-operative than normal. She saw me yesterday in the road for the first time in weeks and what did she say?

‘Thought, we’d got rid of you – I haven’t had a bruise for ages.’ The years I have dedicated to the pursuit of that woman…

I let her unfortunate remark go by me, flung my head high and ignored her.

‘Something wrong with your neck she asked?’ Again I ignored her, gave her the cold shoulder.

I decided to be haughty, treat her with distain, cold and proud – after a week I realised it wasn’t working. I went around to her house to give her a piece of my mind!

‘I have come to give you a piece of my mind,’ I said.

‘Sure you can spare it,’ She said

‘I have a damn-good mind to dump you and go back to my ex-wife,’ I said.

‘Give her my sympathy,’ She said

‘You have broken my heart,’ I said.

‘I was tryin’ f’ yer neck,’ she said.

‘You have broken my heart. You are the only woman I have ever really loved and you have thrown that love back in my face and left me desolate and alone.’

‘That’s another thing,’ She said. ‘I am never going to the theatre with you again. You’ve been hamming it up ever since we saw Les Mis’ – you’ve been unbearable.’

‘You’re terrified of real emotion,’ I said

‘Rats,’ She said.

‘I’m going and I won’t be back,’ I said. ‘Don’t come looking for me, as far as you are concerned, I won’t be there,’

It was no good, though. You just can’t get real feeling into it when you’re shouting through a letter box.

first posted on the ON/AVN SGIA, Inc. site