Posts tagged ‘Splash Effect’

January 20, 2012

Toilet Seats and Splash Effect











Toilet seats UP or DOWN and ‘Splash Effect’

These two contentious subjects are high on the female agenda and need some research (Splash Effect being the effect when a male uses the toilet to pee) This subject is now such a cause for concern that some states in the US are trying to get men to pee SITTING DOWN!

Some of the chaps and me decided that we would do some research into these perplexing questions and attempt to arrive at a solution. Sadly, our attempt to resolve the question of whether or not a toilet seat should be left in the up or down position met with, what can only be described as, a full measure of female hostility. Health and safety became a problem when more than one of our researchers was threatened with bodily harm – the attempt had to be abandoned. We believe this to be a temporary set back and will return to the subject at a later date.

On the subject of ‘Splash Effect’, for this it became apparent that we would need the assistance of a Mathematician as several or our, all male, research team, especially Ron, can count to 21 but only if they remove their shoes and socks and others items of apparel.

Unfortunately the only mathematician that I know also happens to be my daughter and her response to the request for help was to mutter the term ‘Men’ with more than a warranted amount of derision and disgust.

It would be interesting to know just when the term ‘Men’ became an expletive – as that it surely is. I can distinctly remember my daughter uttering the word (in innocence) when she was small and my wife telling her to, ‘Go and wash her mouth out’.

To return to the other part of our research – ‘Splash Effect’.

We do not pretend that we have discovered a permanent cure but we do suggest that with a little effort the effect can be reduced.

A simple triangle is involved here that is based on the toilet bowl.

First, the base line, or horizontal axis.

This is equivalent to the distance from the centre of the base of the toilet bowl to the heel of the man; shoe. It can readily be seen that determining factors are shoe size and stance. Size is a factor because a large shoe will mean the heel is further from the bowl. Stance affects the distance because some men stand with the heels fairly close together and the toes angled out to accommodate the bowl; others stand feet together with toes touching the bowl. For the purpose of this equation the latter is taken as the norm.

So, for this part of the problem we need to know shoe size.

Second, the Vertical axis.

This is equivalent to the distance from the base of the heel to a point roughly four inches below the hip.

For this part of the problem we need to know the inside leg.

From the two factors above we can arrive at the length of the hypotenuse, this being the primary factor in ‘Splash Effect’.

Experimentation has allowed us to determine that the length of the hypotenuse becomes a problem when the shoe size exceeds: size 11 and inside leg exceeds 32 inches.

Another factor that has to be taken into account is whether or not the gentleman has been, for want of a better word or phrase ‘Visited by the Rabbi’. I refer of course to the procedure carried out on boys of the Jewish, and other faiths when they are very small. This has to be taken into account as in cases where this procedure has been carried out the force of the torrent is de-restricted and much greater.

Beer also has a major effect and can increase the force and volume of the torrent – also has a major effect on aim!

So what can we determine from our research?

If you have a male guest in your home, you need to know his shoe size, inside leg length and whether or not he has been ‘Visited by the Rabbi’.

If the shoe size is greater than 11, the inside leg greater than 32 inches and he has been visited by the Rabbi – don’t give him any beer!